Sky High

I don’t remember exactly when it did happen, but one day my lover turned into my love.

He was no longer living in a faraway country, a cold distant land. He moved into my bed, we started sharing days and nights, and slowly but surely, without having a clue, I gave him a big slice of my heart. I am happy for it.

One day, out of my screen, an old name jumped at me like a punch between the eyes. I remember when it happened and I know now as I knew then, my life would never be the same. Never again. And never like before.

She came into my life - my previous life – the same way those tiny yellow wild flowers grow in between my garden’s paving slabs: unexpectedly, over night, greeting me in all their morning grace when I am still too numb to admire them.

Miracle!

She had been my friend, my sister, my mother, my daughter, my lover. The love of my life.

I cannot believe there had been such a love before. Nor I want to. If there was one, I don’t care. I and she were the world, our world, and that is just how it was.


Came thunder, came fire, came flood. We were not strong enough to resist. We sank and burned and lost each others’ hands, and I thought I would never see her again, I thought my life was lost, I blamed myself for being the only survivor… if only I had grabbed her hand a bit, just a bit stronger!... Years of crying, living in that same salted water, my salted waters, my burning tears.


‘I’m sorry, my love, I am so sorry…’


Her name punched me in the stomach.
The black letters on the screen.


‘She is alive.

She has survived.’


My shaking hands trying to find her, more of her, all of her, a click away, and my brain so blurred, so blank, so numb, so hers.


‘Tum-tum’


Her name punched me in the heart.


‘Tum-tum’
‘Tum-tum’


‘Is it really her, can it really be?’


‘Tum-tum’
‘Tum-tum’


The sight of her face, her hands, the way she holds her cigarette and the glass she drinks from!... Oh, there couldn’t be enough photos, my thirst of you, my love, was overwhelming!...


‘I need to see her. She has to know I’ve always loved her.’


Fear.


...




‘If you’re coming I want to see you :)’



…


Did she say that? To me?! Oh God, oh God, oh God…


‘If you’re coming I want to see you :)’ – she said.


And she saw me, and she heard me, and she talked to me, and she let her hand be held, and then she kissed me.

Oh she kissed me.

She did, she kissed me.

And she held me strong, rolling on my bed, and she told me she loves me.

My heart is hers.

She made love to me and she looked in my eyes and she let me sleep and looked at me for so long, I know she did. I woke up with a smile because she did.

And now I am here, thinking of her, with a man in my bed.

My bed.
My man.
A man I love.



I have a heart.
One only.

But my heart is a castle; my heart is a castle far up in the sky.


He said he wants me as free as I am, he says he will love me forever.

She told me free people are free even to choose to have ties.


I have ties. Because I’m free. I’m hooked and I love it.


We live happy in my sky high castle.

I am the castle.

I am the cloud.